So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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