I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
