She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
