Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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