My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
