Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
