I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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