my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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