So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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