Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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