I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
