im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Who died my cat blue again?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Panties = found
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
