I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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