So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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