Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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