we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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