Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
