Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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