1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
