i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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