I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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