I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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