Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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