i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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