Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
