no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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