my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
