i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
