I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
