I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
