My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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