would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
