I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
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Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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