rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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