So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
im on a boat
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