I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
