If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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