I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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