I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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