your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
