I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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