I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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