I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
