it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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