as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
