Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
