I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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