I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
