My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize