I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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