I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night