Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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