im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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