I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
