ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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